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NO SECRET SO CLOSE is the story of a the most unthinkable betrayal humanly possible — at only 24 years old, Claire Dorotik’s father has been murdered, her mother arrested, and now, in a sinister twist of fate, Claire’s mother points the finger at Claire, accusing her of killing her own father. Battling the feelings of loss, abandonment, terror, and dissociation, and also learning about them, Claire struggles to stay in her master’s program for psychotherapy. However, when Claire’s brothers also betray her and side with her mother, Claire is left all alone to care for the 18 horses she and her mother owned. As the story unfolds, what is revealed is the horses’ amazing capacity for empathy in the face of human trauma, and the almost psychic ability to provide the author with what had been taken from her. Arising from these horrifying circumstances, the most unthinkable heroes — the horses — show Claire that life is still worth living.

Excerpt #3 from NO SECRET SO CLOSE:

But I wanted to believe that my mother was kind and loving. I’d see her with my brother’s friends, and think that she was a great mom. They’d all talk to her about what was going on with them, in a way every parent hopes their teenager will talk to them.  She’d sit and listen for hours. And they’d all say that they wished they could talk to their own parents this way. I’d watch, just sitting around the edges, wondering why not me? Why can’t I be listened to like that? But maybe Dad was right; maybe I was the source of the family’s financial strain. Maybe we would’ve been better off without the horses.

It was then that I wanted my mother to defend me the most. Not so much for me, but for what I loved. I wanted her to tell Dad that I loved the horses more than anything else, and that loving them was not the cause of the family’s problems. I think I really wanted her to tell him, that without the horses, maybe the family would be ok, but I wouldn’t. But maybe it was a system that she couldn’t change. Maybe the family’s happiness needed to be at my expense. But somehow that thought didn’t make any of this seem ok to me. At least it didn’t remove my wish that my mother would have defended what I loved.

Now, the tables were turned. Now it was I who was supposed to defend her. I thought about how things would change if she were convicted. What would life be like without her? Would I be able to keep up the horse business myself? I had gone to a few shows alone while she was in jail, but it wasn’t the same. Mom had always been there, right at the in gate. She’d cheer me on, meet me when I came out of the ring. And she never criticized my riding, instead insisting that I was too hard on myself. I always wanted the horses to be as perfect as they could be. In a lot of ways, I think we fought because she didn’t understand how much I depended on riding perfectly — needed it. It was all I had, after all, and probably the only thing that held me together throughout childhood. But just give the horses a day off, they’ll be fine. Sure they’ll be fine, Mom, but will I?